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Feb. 25th, 2003 07:28 pmMy girlfriend suggested I should come back here to vent my feelings a little. Those of you that do read my posts may have noticed I haven't for a few days. The reason for this? I'm in a slump, a dark pit that just now I can;t see a way out of.
Put simply I'm as low as I've ever been.
The reason for this? I wish it was so simple that I could put my finger on a single reason. There's no single cause, just everything pressing in on my head and heart and crushing me.
None of this I want to share. I don't want to share with anyone just now. I don;t want people to know what I'm feeling, and most who know me know how vocal I usually am about my feelings. I don't want to be here, don't want to be typing this, but she told me I need a release. I don't what release there is, how to come to terms with feelings I don't even understand myself. I'm a long way from being rational, just running on emotions and my emotions aren't the best thing to be guiding me just now..
I feel crushed. I can't even begin to explain how this depression has a hold on me. I can feel it in my chest, down my back, crushing the muscles in by body, holding my heart in a heavy hand. Yes, I have a sense of the melodramatic but it's also how I feel. There's no other way for these things to creep out. I feel like I'm 16 again and trust me, that's not a good feeling.
How to explain. What things have set me off? Well I guess there's the simplest - deadline and lack of sleep, but in truth this grip on me has been held longer than that. The utter failure to bring about any kind of solution to my holiday plans has a great deal to do with things. It's just a holiday. Right. But to me it's a holiday to see the girl I'm beginning to realise just how badly deep in love I am with. What a convolted sentence. What I mean is I'm beginning to realise quite how in love I am. And the more it grows the more I can;t stand to be apart from this girl. And I can;t reach her. I can't touch her, can;t get close. And ocean divides us and there's no way to cross it. I'm scraed, I just want to run from everything, even sometimes from her. Switch it all off, forget about the whole thing and somehow everything will be alright.
Except it won't because I still won't have her.
I need this girl and I can't have her. The frustration in having someone who means so much to you who you can't come close to feels like a noose around me, I'm constantly choked by distress and disappointment.
My distress is sharp already, I don't know how to beat this misery that's hounding me. I've been beaten down by it. People tell me I'm strong and I'll get through but I don't feel strong.
I feel abandoned instead. I can have people around me, friends I'm talking too but I'll just lapse into silence for no reason. If I've ignored anyone I'm sorry. People mean so much to me, I can't turn off caring. I can't stop worrying about others to worry about myself.
Yet I make others miserable, I know I do. How much happiness have I rally brought anyone. I just don't feel any. The past is coming back to tug at me.
Death is heavy in my thoughts, everything else diminished. I'm down and getting reckless. Driving home in the dark last night the thoughts of what would happen if I just took my hands from the wheel and leant back kept coming into my mind. To call it suicidal would be putting to plain a slant on it. I'd neve consider actually doing it, but the thought is there and I'm scared for a time when this has worn me down so much I might not be so set against such a thing.
I'm scared all round. Scared of losing people. Scared of having them. Terrified by what i'm writing, the thoughts I'm sharing. I should just hit send and retreat, I just want to hide.
Time to hide.
Put simply I'm as low as I've ever been.
The reason for this? I wish it was so simple that I could put my finger on a single reason. There's no single cause, just everything pressing in on my head and heart and crushing me.
None of this I want to share. I don't want to share with anyone just now. I don;t want people to know what I'm feeling, and most who know me know how vocal I usually am about my feelings. I don't want to be here, don't want to be typing this, but she told me I need a release. I don't what release there is, how to come to terms with feelings I don't even understand myself. I'm a long way from being rational, just running on emotions and my emotions aren't the best thing to be guiding me just now..
I feel crushed. I can't even begin to explain how this depression has a hold on me. I can feel it in my chest, down my back, crushing the muscles in by body, holding my heart in a heavy hand. Yes, I have a sense of the melodramatic but it's also how I feel. There's no other way for these things to creep out. I feel like I'm 16 again and trust me, that's not a good feeling.
How to explain. What things have set me off? Well I guess there's the simplest - deadline and lack of sleep, but in truth this grip on me has been held longer than that. The utter failure to bring about any kind of solution to my holiday plans has a great deal to do with things. It's just a holiday. Right. But to me it's a holiday to see the girl I'm beginning to realise just how badly deep in love I am with. What a convolted sentence. What I mean is I'm beginning to realise quite how in love I am. And the more it grows the more I can;t stand to be apart from this girl. And I can;t reach her. I can't touch her, can;t get close. And ocean divides us and there's no way to cross it. I'm scraed, I just want to run from everything, even sometimes from her. Switch it all off, forget about the whole thing and somehow everything will be alright.
Except it won't because I still won't have her.
I need this girl and I can't have her. The frustration in having someone who means so much to you who you can't come close to feels like a noose around me, I'm constantly choked by distress and disappointment.
My distress is sharp already, I don't know how to beat this misery that's hounding me. I've been beaten down by it. People tell me I'm strong and I'll get through but I don't feel strong.
I feel abandoned instead. I can have people around me, friends I'm talking too but I'll just lapse into silence for no reason. If I've ignored anyone I'm sorry. People mean so much to me, I can't turn off caring. I can't stop worrying about others to worry about myself.
Yet I make others miserable, I know I do. How much happiness have I rally brought anyone. I just don't feel any. The past is coming back to tug at me.
Death is heavy in my thoughts, everything else diminished. I'm down and getting reckless. Driving home in the dark last night the thoughts of what would happen if I just took my hands from the wheel and leant back kept coming into my mind. To call it suicidal would be putting to plain a slant on it. I'd neve consider actually doing it, but the thought is there and I'm scared for a time when this has worn me down so much I might not be so set against such a thing.
I'm scared all round. Scared of losing people. Scared of having them. Terrified by what i'm writing, the thoughts I'm sharing. I should just hit send and retreat, I just want to hide.
Time to hide.
