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Jun. 7th, 2003 11:27 pmHaving a day of self realisation.
Yes, before anyone asks, I have had a couple of drinks. And by that I do mean a couple. I went out with a friends and was forced to confront the fact that I don't really like being around people any more. This is a confusing concept considering the other realisation I had when I was sat on the beach in the rain thinking about things.
The thing is I'm lonely. Probably more than I have been for years. I feel isolated. From my friends by distances and family by emotions. I just don't feel close to people like I used to, I have a detachment from even my closest friends that I think I've erected myself. And this gives my cause to feel lonely. Self imposed or not the feeling is still there. I don't really -want- to talk to anyone, I spurn company, I want to be on my own and when I am I hate it. Very odd.
My faith is also undergoing a transformation. I don't really talk about my religion much, but the fact is I believe in a god and havn't changed my mind about that. I'm still in a habit of talking to him regularly but have lost the inclination to worship in any formal setting. I haven't been to church for some time, although my belief if still strong I think.
So perhaps part of my loneliness comes from an isolation from god as well as people. Going out on the town tonight just taught me one thing. I'm alone and likely to stay that way. Looking at the people out, the young girls. The young lads. I have nothing to offer those girls. An aging, prematurely greying, padded lonely individual has nothing any of those girls would be interested in. Beyond sexual attraction would I be interested in them? T%he truth is probably not, but the plain fact of the matter is that, shallow as it may be, for someone to show an interest in me in real life, to actually give me a glance of a smile, anything more than an insult or a stare. Anything would be nice. Just some show of attention to tell me I'm not going to be alone forever.
Yeah, morose little fucker aren't I?
Yes, before anyone asks, I have had a couple of drinks. And by that I do mean a couple. I went out with a friends and was forced to confront the fact that I don't really like being around people any more. This is a confusing concept considering the other realisation I had when I was sat on the beach in the rain thinking about things.
The thing is I'm lonely. Probably more than I have been for years. I feel isolated. From my friends by distances and family by emotions. I just don't feel close to people like I used to, I have a detachment from even my closest friends that I think I've erected myself. And this gives my cause to feel lonely. Self imposed or not the feeling is still there. I don't really -want- to talk to anyone, I spurn company, I want to be on my own and when I am I hate it. Very odd.
My faith is also undergoing a transformation. I don't really talk about my religion much, but the fact is I believe in a god and havn't changed my mind about that. I'm still in a habit of talking to him regularly but have lost the inclination to worship in any formal setting. I haven't been to church for some time, although my belief if still strong I think.
So perhaps part of my loneliness comes from an isolation from god as well as people. Going out on the town tonight just taught me one thing. I'm alone and likely to stay that way. Looking at the people out, the young girls. The young lads. I have nothing to offer those girls. An aging, prematurely greying, padded lonely individual has nothing any of those girls would be interested in. Beyond sexual attraction would I be interested in them? T%he truth is probably not, but the plain fact of the matter is that, shallow as it may be, for someone to show an interest in me in real life, to actually give me a glance of a smile, anything more than an insult or a stare. Anything would be nice. Just some show of attention to tell me I'm not going to be alone forever.
Yeah, morose little fucker aren't I?
