Deadline finished

Finally finished my deadline week. Saturday after the night before and how do I feel? Just sort of...bleh, not in a particularly good mood. I know I'm going to be irritable, even though I have nothing really to be irritable about. After a week of tiny amounts of sleep and constant work it's the usual comedown. No adrenaline just extreme tiredness.

The usual worries. Did I do everything right? Did I make any mistakes. Only a couple last month. Funny, the months when I make the most mistakes that -I- spot I seem to get away with. Last month just a couple and the clients complained. I can understand it and it gets me pissed off at myself even if it isn't my fault.

Just a symptom of my mood I suppose. I'm just immensely tired and headachey and not in the mood for being in any way cheerful. Came in last night and just collapsed. By seven I was tired. By about 8.30 I was just about ready to drop. Which I did. Barely the energy to email my girlfriend and of course this morning I've remembered her email was down so she probably won't have got it yesterday. Pissed off at myself and disappointed at this freak of nature that keeps us apart like this. One of those mornings where attempting to carry out a long distance relationship really grates.

I know things will be better when I see her online, or talk to her on the phone. They always are. She manages to make me smile by her very presence sometimes. Yeah, I'm a sap.

She constantly amazes me.

Wondering about going back to bed. It's noon now. So I've had about 12 or more hours sleep and been up two and still tired. Not so much physically as mentally.

I think I might get out, take myself off for a walk. It's what will cheer me up the best. Trouble is if I do that I run the risk of missing my girlfriend when she logs on. I don't know what's for the best. Look after my own state of mind or be here for her. Be simple if I could manage both.

I think a quick soak in the bath, then a walk. Then hopefully when I do return I'll be in a better mood.

I doubt anyone wants to know all this. Don't even know why I'm typing it.

Talk later.

More randomness

Feeling even more ratty this evening. No real reason to be. Felt better after a good long walk, got out, washed the car, chatted with friends in town and did some shopping but it did little to improve my mood. Has anything happened to throw me? Well, sort of, my planned time with my girlfriend go cut short, my own fault for being so late back.

I'm obviously feeling a bit emotionless. Connecting to comments about the shuttle crash or whatever happened from a few people who obviously -were- upset about it, I couldn't get worked up about it at all. A plane crashed, a big, very expensive plane admittedly, but if only seven people were killed I don't think it's horrendously bad on the grand scale of things. It dgoes without saying that my heart bleeds for the families of those who were killed. Them being distraught about it I can understand. I offer every sympathy. It's a tragedy, but not one that apparently could have been stopped. It wasn't malicious evil, the people involved knew all the risks and it's the sort of thing that in one form or another happens every day. Planes go down, cars crash. It's very very sad and I wish it wasn't so, but it's a sad fact of life that people die. You learn to move on, oyu have to. When it's someone close to you that can be crippling, or when it's someone who means something to your family or friends.

I can grieve when there's a connection, but I've seen enough death within the family to feel for someone I never knew and have no connection with beyond, "yeah, that's a terrible shame". and it is. It's a tragedy, but I can't understand a nation grieving over it. September 11th is something for a whole nation to grieve over, yet some of the comments I see makes me wonder whether anyone really cares about that. I know some people do, but for a lot it seems to have been an excuse for some righteous indignation for a bit and then to be forgotten. I'm still chilled by the memories of standing on the top of the World Trade Centre less than a year before it came down and staring across the city, the building's shadow stretching as far as Queens. Those memorys remind me of the -scale- of that, where lives were taken deliberately. Seven people dying in an accident bAarely even registers on my emotional radar.

Probably just tired and low and feeling kind of heartless.

bleh, after that rant not sure any of the other things I had to say have any import now. Diet has gone to shit this week. Feel drained and crappy and annoyingly hungry. I've eaten what I should do, but twice as much of it. Sometimes I made it through the week without tons of chocolate and red bull though, for practically the first time ever. May explain why I feel so crappy now.