angelophile | Top 10 Complaints About Internet Porn

The fine scientists at Carnegie Melon have proven that at any given time at least 77%-81% of all internet traffic is pornography related. People run the gamut of porn interests from bikini pictures all the way to midget snuff feltching, and are quite adamant about their perversions I might add. As an active web-citizen I compiled a brief list of issues I have with pornography in general. I tried to skew the list towards the "average" porn connoisseur, but each one of these so called "issues" are probably a turn-on to one group or another. You may recall some of these items yourself as you progressed from innocent pics of topless ladies along the stepping stones of free net porn all the way past depravity and right to watching a Jewish mime beat off a horse into a bowl of chex (wayyy not kosher).

#10
Overly zealous camera man
This issue effects us all, gay, straight, canine, we have all sat there lamenting the poor decisions of the junior cinematographer as they go from extreme out of focus close up to extreme out of focus close up, wheeling around at motion sickness inducing speeds.

We will never know what they were thinking when they decided to try and shoot the action from underneath and garnered a great view of the carpet and a healthy helping of man sack. Or we wonder what on earth was going through their head when during the money shot the decision is made to pull away from the chick who's mouth is as open as 7-11, and focus on a nearby ficus. Just like lag during CS, this can ruin the best of things.

#9
Japanese Pixelation Phenomenon
This is the only uniquely Japanese trademark besides the women performing the pretend cry (more noisome/irritating than the fake orgasm), and then later letting semen dribble out of theirs mouths. I'm not sure when or why this started, but its something we are apparently stuck with.

In Japanese porn, usually the penis, penetration and a generally the vagina are pixelated beyond recognition. Because isn't it obvious that while watching a Bukkake video you may find certain portions of it (aside from the metric gallon of baby batter spread across the canvas of a young woman's face) offensive? What a concept, ruin the best parts of life. I vote sunsets, and flowers should be pixelated next. We need to find the guy responsible for this and just kick him in the nuts, once for each pixel he has ruined. You might as well take a load in the eye from a john and enjoy the infection than sit frustrated with this nonsense.

#8
The use of real-player.
I'd like to say that the use of real player in any arena should not only be considered a lack of intelligence, but should be legislated against by international courts, and enforced by Nick Fury. Surely you're familiar with real bloat-ware being propagated around the world. A media player so bad Nostradamus foretold that real-networks which in 2053 will come so very close to getting shitty video to stream over a T-7 line on internet 3, but at the last moment a comet would hit the earth preventing them from being able to say it had ever worked "as intended". Probably the only porn specific comments about real player is the poor quality of the videos, and the personal memory of having a file which I downloaded stop during the middle of play and buffer itself, play for a second, then buffer itself. Let me just say that that is really conducive to the five knuckle shuffle. Let me reiterate that these are porn specific issues because I like to listen my music in real player with random 5 second breaks in it so I can enjoy the little things in life, then listen to music, then go back to enjoying things.

#7
Bad pun and innuendo banter in gang-bangs.
Nothing is worse than trying to get into the intricate ebb and flow of a gangbang and then hearing something like, "Do you Cum here often?" or "I bet she likes it real deep" answered by "Hah Yeah she'll get it deep." Shut up just shut the hell up. Clearly you don't have the aptitude to make a good joke or play on words here. Dave Attel, or Patton Oswalt might be able to think of something clever and appropriate, but you'd have an easier time convincing me to remove one of my eyelids with a hammer, than getting me to watch a porn where those two take their clothes off. The rest of you gangbang guys were hired to fuck not talk, just bone the incest survivor who thinks she's pleasing daddy and do your goddamned jobs. If I wanted to be distracted and irritated by chatter I'd get a girlfriend I hate, or maybe a parrot. During the action itself, I think there should only three phrases guys are allowed if vocalized QUIETLY and never to each other: 1. Suck it (a classic) 2. Turn over/around 3. Oh Yeahhhh (a pillar of the porn vocabulary)

#6
Too many tattoos.
I understand that some folks out there have a tattoo fetish. We all appreciate a cool looking tat in the right spots and under the right circumstances, but sometimes it feels like you're staring at an R. Crumb illustration being attacked by penises. This made the list because it breaks the suspension of disbelief when you pause for a moment to try and read some of the names on her lower back like, or the picture of Jesus with his cock piercing his palm with the caption "He's got the whole world in his hands". I'm sure that awesome Dolphin tat on your stomach will be cool twenty five years from now when it sags so much it spells out the words "regret".

#5
I know we are supposed to be pretending you girls were: tricked/hitchhikers/a babysitter/auditioning/needing a green card/etc, but can you cut out the dialog? People seem to think that Porn is pretty much as good as it's going to get; I disagree. We should be pushing the envelope. One of those ways is delivering a system in which we can finally eliminate bad porn acting. That's right I stand for reform. I recommend trying one of two things. First thing you could try is have every video clip with an explanation of what's going on, so if you even care the story can be right there instead of hold up the action. It can even be just as bad as the dialog was supposed to be: Gwen was in the woods and got lost. She was bored and started to finger herself when an escaped prison inmate came across her. At first she was scared...
The second option would be to take it old school. If you ever saw a movie from the pre-sound era then you've seen those awesome title cards pop up on screen to convey dialog. Every time the actors wanted to speak they could simply nod a bit and with the magic of editing, have a title card pop up: "I heard your TV was broken, I'm here to fix it, and you. With my Penis."

#4
Loose guidelines of "Red Head".
This is a bit of a niche market, but everybody enjoys a red head. This is a genuine labeling problem here. For every honest to goodness red head degrading herself for money, there is an opportunistic producer that has snagged the closest drugged up runaway and dyed her hair red, and dyed it badly. Some are just as easily brunettes or blondes; others have just ignored the classification all together, and guessed you'll get over it once you see someone getting poked. I've called the better business bureau about this and they enjoyed hearing me talk about a sweater I had when I was a kid and ended up giving away. The point is I have ADHD, and I need the girl's hair to be red immediately after I click. If I want to be lied to I'll listen to a weatherman.

#3
Man moan.
The web porn watching experience is usually a solo endeavor; at that point it is all about concentration. And nothing can shatter that carefully tuned focus like the earth rattling bellow from a dude loosing the melted man margarine on a girls face, a face already deadened by coke, and a hatred for a distant father. This is simply unacceptable. I know guys are capable of "The Silent load" (also the name of a porno about a gang of stealthy gang-bang ninjas) so they should exercise this crafty art. Of all the bad noises out there, chalkboard screech, fingernails snapping backwards, the words from your girlfriend "I cheated on you with "AIDS-having Randall"." after you just had unprotected sex with her, the man moan can be the most obtrusive.

#2
Loose guidelines about "18".
This problem is out of control. The prejudice lens of ageism is rampant in the adult entertainment industry and I would like to keep it that way. I'd rank this up there as one of the more curious "little white lies" that go along with day-to-day porn. I'm pretty sure everyone lies about this just for the fuck of it. There are old people out there right now recording their dusty creaky gold bond medicated love and planning to label it "18 year old co-ed slut action". 18 has become the capital letter at the beginning of the smut sentence, it is misused and improperly applied. To me this is as acceptable as in a hospital labeling "arsenic" as "insulin"; of course then again I'm a stickler for labeling.

#1
Mislabeled gay porn.
This is the worst offender. Nothing will prompt a subconscious threat response in a straight guy faster than having gay porn make an unannounced appearance. Have you ever ordered a ham sandwich? And the guy at the next table orders a turkey sandwich? So the guy at the next table gets your ham, and the waitress comes over and brings you get three throbbing cocks between gay bread? It's kind of a shock. You download some innocent file, prepare yourself with some scented candles and Jergens, and what do you get? A seething mass of grunting beef performing the brokeback maneuver over a wheel barrel to something called a twink. This must stop. Nothing against gay guys, but I'm sure its irritating to them as well when they accidentally get some straight or lezzy stuff. This falls into the "Absolutely unacceptable" file. Its really the names that need reform, like downloading "hottie getting drilled" is now about as certain as praying you wont catch Chlamydia of the throat from that hobo you rimmed at the bus station on a dare. Beware.

Stolen from http://www.7hm.net/archive.php?uid=190