angelophile | How to Win Any Argument On the Internet

If you're itching for a confrontation and possess both the time and patience to debate one of the countless Internet denizens lacking any semblance of a life, feel free to consult the following handy guide to winning any Internet argument ever.

1) NEVER DEFEND YOUR OWN POINTS.
Never, under any circumstance, attempt to defend what you've said; just attack the other person's argument over and over and over until one of you dies of old age or some legislative branch agrees to shut down the Internet forever. Defending yourself or your argument is a weak act of desperation which informs your enemy that you're completely open to attack.

EXAMPLE ARGUMENT:

FLAME: hey fag i read ur article abotu ford cars and I just wanna let u know ur stupid and dont know nothing about cars cuz CHEVY IS THE BEST CAR MAKER IN THE WORLD!!!!

INCORRECT RESPONSE: No, I firmly believe what I wrote is correct, Ford automobiles have excelled in both price and safety over the past few years, which is why I feel they are the superior choice when purchasing a new car.
CORRECT RESPONSE: uhhhhhhh no, you're wrong and stupid and dumb and u dont know what ur talking about so maybe u should get off the internet and instead go kiss a elf cuz ur dumb as a fool!!!
EVER BETTER RESPONSE: I'M GUNNA KILL YOU WITH MY DESERT EAGLE!!!

2) CLAIM YOU WORK IN WHATEVER FIELD YOU'RE ARGUING ABOUT.
If you find yourself discussing anime, say you're an animator who works for some Japanese company that manufactures games about nipples. If somebody begins complaining about web design, tell them you're a professional web designer who has completed projects for large conglomerates such as Coca Cola and Macromedia and the moon. If you're arguing about World War II and the political ramifications of Asia's isolation sentiment, declare you're the President of Asia. There is no subject that you, the professional, does not know about thanks to your extensive work in the field of, well, whatever you're arguing.

INCORRECT RESPONSE: Well I may just be a gun owner, but I still think your attitude towards gun control is wrong.
CORRECT REPONSE: Well I may just be a major international arms dealer, but I still think your attitude towards gun control is wrong.

3) IF LOSING AN ARGUMENT, FEIGN FRUSTRATION AND THEN CLAIM YOU'RE BLOCKING THE PERSON.
Every person on the Internet harbors a secret fear of having their communications blocked by somebody, particularly when they're devastating that person in an argument. Tell them in explicit, concrete terms you're absolutely fed up with their idiocy and simply cannot bear to read another word of their text, and if you somehow accidentally receive another communication from them, your head will explode and shower the surrounding tri-metro area with fragments of your brain atoms. The announcement of your impending communications blockade serves as a true trump card, one capable of not only ending the argument, but additionally declaring you the winner because there's no possible way for your opponent to get the last word, and as everybody on the Internet knows, the only way to win an argument is to get the final word!

EXAMPLE ARGUMENT:

FLAME: i cant believe u said that president clinton was the 16th president, tahts wrong, he was the 42nd president you damn ideiot, and i should know cuz my dad worked in the ovale office last year and he's in the social security which protext the president from terrists

INCORRECT RESPONSE: Upon completing some rudimentary research, I have reached the conclusion that you are correct and I was wrong! My apologies, dear sir, and thank you for revealing truth to me!
CORRECT RESPONSE: GOD THIS IS SO POINTLESS!!! listen I am sick of saying this over and over, you obviously r to stupid to understand even BASIC ENGLITSH and Im getting sick of your dumb emails so I'm blocking u once and for all GOODBYE DUMB ASS! DONT BOTHER EMAILING ME CUZ I WONT GET IT, WELCOME TO IGNORESVILLE POPULATION: YOU, HOPE U LIKE TALKING TO A BLOCK LIST HAHAHAHAHA.

4) AT SOME POINT IN TIME, CLAIM THE OTHER PERSON IS A NAZI.
Every, and I repeat EVERY Internet argument should involve at least one comparison to either Hitler or the Nazis. This is one of the most basic requirements of an average Internet debate, and although ignorant outsiders may find it silly to compare a person arguing on the Internet with an individual responsible for the execution of millions, this action represents one of the most traditional pillars of every online debate. The earliest recorded instance of the infamous "Nazi clause" can be traced to Greg "suprsk8r" Henderson, who used Q-Link in July of 1986 to call Alex "Dr_Millions" Wilson "the Adolf Hitler of preseason NCAA fantasy league basketball" over People Connection.

FLAME: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no i dont think taht GI Joe could beat the Transformers in a battle cuz Optomus prime would like totally kill the shit out of duke and waht do u know about anything anyway u reteard

INCORRECT RESPONSE: Dear Internet cur, I'll have you know that your churlish actions and replies reek of an insolent ignoramus! Why, upon reading your cretinous claim, I let out a mighty scoff and nearly choked upon my brandy!
CORRECT RESPONSE: FUK U HITLER!!!

If you discover the irresistible urge to strike back against somebody who insulted your intelligence on the Internet, a medium which rewards those with insulting intelligence, please use this guide to your advantage and thoroughly decimate anybody foolhardy enough to challenge your online prowess.

Stolen from Something Awful