Top Tips

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

DON'T invite Drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be despatched by the usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased."

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

An XR3i Cabriolet with the roof down makes a perfect roller skate for dinosaurs.

Don't waste time sorting laundry by colour. After washing all clothes together several times they will turn a similar shade. Then you will never have this decision to make again.

Encourage friends to phone you by offering a plastic dinosaur with each call.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.